An introvert is one of those words we often hear, but it can mean many things to different people. A Google search came up with “a shy, reticent person”, but that seems a bit plain and simplistic to me, so I wanted to dig a little deeper into what Susan Cain, who wrote Quiet:The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking had uncovered in her work. She defines an introvert as follows:
“It’s how you respond to stimulation, including social stimulation. So introverts prefer lower-stimulation environments, that’s where they feel at their most alive. Whereas extroverts really crave stimulation in order to feel at their best. It’s important to see it this way because people often equate introversion with being antisocial, and it’s not that at all – it’s just a preference.”
Susan Cain, The Guardian
It’s not just about stimulation response in social settings.
Introverts and extroverts tend to work differently.
“Extroverts tend to tackle assignments quickly. They make fast (sometimes rash) decisions, and are comfortable multitasking and risk-taking. They enjoy the “thrill of the chase” for rewards like money and status.
Introverts often work more slowly and deliberately. They like to focus on one task at a time and can have mighty powers of concentration. They’re relatively immune to the lures of wealth and fame.”
Susan Cain, Quiet
Working slowly and deliberately sings out to me, I often thought I had something wrong with me for how slow I can be while working through decisions and projects. It is helpful to see that it is not “good” or “bad” and is just a different style.
Social energy and personality
These different personality types influence our energy in social situations and how we show up.
“Extroverts are the people who will add life to your dinner party and laugh generously at your jokes. They tend to be assertive, dominant, and in great need of company. Extroverts think out loud and on their feet; they prefer talking to listening, rarely find themselves at a loss for words, and occasionally blurt out things they never meant to say. They are comfortable with conflict, but not with solitude.
Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while they wish they were home in their pyjamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror for small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”
Susan Cain, Quiet
How do those contrasts sound to you? Do you feel a pull one way or the other?
Again the distinctions ring true to me. In my early 20s, I always felt pressure to try and stand out and be the “life of the party”, but it always felt inauthentic and left me drained. I generally dislike small talk, but I love a deep conversation about something interesting. I go out of my way to avoid conflict, often to my detriment.
In the past, the culture made you feel guilty for not being an extrovert. It’s refreshing to see Cain’s work highlighting the unique powers of introverts.
It’s time to move beyond introvert guilt.
Does anyone else get that dreaded feeling heading into a weekend where you are solidly booked up with social engagements when you would much rather stay home, read a book, or go a long walk in nature?
We feel guilted into following those social obligations but at the expense of our wellbeing.
We shouldn’t feel ashamed about wanting to be ourselves. We can serve this world much better when we play to our true nature and express our gifts.
We can play to our personality strengths.
For example, I have followed Cain’s “listening more” and “writing” insights. One, it’s amazing how people open up to you when you really listen, and I get those deep conversations that I love, which serves me well in my coaching practice. Two, even though I am still developing my craft, I have come to cherish writing and found it a fantastic way to process and communicate all these muddled thoughts in my head.
